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12 AUG 2025




I’ve kept having strange dreams since the last time I mentioned it here. The last one I wrote down so I wouldn’t forget went something like this... there were spiders on me

I actually really like spiders, so in the dream I was pretty calm with them crawling on my arm

But then I realized they were black widows, and I was like — oh no

They bit my entire right hand, and it HURT. Like, it was real pain, it hurt so much. I ended up killing them, but it was already too late

My hand turned red and swollen, and then I noticed there were stingers in it, kind of like when a bee stings you and leaves the stinger behind

I started to feel dizzy from the venom and passed out

When I woke up, someone was taking care of me and removing the stingers from my hand. I don’t remember their face or voice, but they were really kind to me

A lot more happened after that, but it’s too confusing to explain. What’s strange is that I had the exact same dream again afterward

I’ve also kept dreaming about water, schools, and houses, but it seems like the houses have been getting more and more destroyed and abandoned

Sometimes there are plants and flowers growing in certain parts, and that makes me feel happy and peaceful, but then suddenly I’m back to wandering through hallways and floor after floor of destruction and decay

My therapist said my subconscious is trying to tell me something through all of this, but I honestly have no idea what it could be



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12 AUG 2025




I’ve been thinking a lot since the last post, and maybe this might sound slightly contradictory in a way, but...As much as I like being kind and making others happy, I feel like it only makes me more vulnerable

I feel pity for everything and everyone, even for those who have already hurt me

I feel other people’s pain and cry their tears; I sacrifice parts of myself just to see others happy

And sometimes I think I’m too permissive

I can’t speak up when I’m uncomfortable

I’m afraid of being abandoned, of people stopping loving me

I can’t verbally express how much I care, but my actions speak for themselves—and that’s enough for some people to see me as fragile

I forgive, and I get hurt again

I don’t fight back

I’m afraid of everything

I don’t think I’m fragile, quite the opposite. I’ve been through a lot; I’m much stronger than someone my age should have to be

But sometimes wanting to help everyone all the time is exhausting, it’s like carrying a heavy weight on my back, a weight that isn’t mine

And... the strangest thing is that I understand people very well in the sense that it's really easy for me to read them. Because I’m autistic, it has always been hard for me to truly connect with others, so from a very young age, I started studying psychology and learning how people react to certain emotions and situations. I began to deeply understand the motivations behind people’s actions. I usually stay quiet, but I pick up on things very easily, I’m constantly analyzing, and I can sense what’s going on right away.

And if I wanted to, I could easily use that to manipulate people... but I would never do that. Because understanding them only made me grow more empathy and compassion, it made me able to put myself in other people’s shoes more and more. So in a way, it feels like all this knowledge has cursed me. I’m unable to fight back or defend myself because of it... and I’m not exactly sure what I should do about this part of me, but it hurts. It hurts a lot.



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27 JAN 2025




The state of the world makes me feel so bad

Everything is just going from bad to worse

Human beings are horrible and cruel, no one has the slightest bit of empathy for anyone at all. People insult and hurt others over such simple things

I feel like I don’t belong in this world

I wasn’t born to be here

The pain of others hurts me, and I hate and love humanity at the same time

I have no hope for anything anymore

But I want to be kind, I want to be loving and gentle

I want to love and be loved

I want to spread love and peace, I want to help people

And even though my help may be very little, and I’ll never be able to change the world’s situation, I want to make that little bit count. I want my life not to be in vain

I feel like this is my purpose, and I will follow it

I will strive to become kinder and kinder every day

I will be different from those who hurt me and hurt others

I won’t harm

I will love

Even if it hurts



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13 JAN 2025




my dreams are getting more and more weird, and sometimes I dont even remember what happened in the dream when I wake up, I just feel that strange feeling of "okay something is definitely wrong"

today I woke up really scared because I was having a nightmare

what the nightmare was about?

I don't have idea



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26 DEC 2024




I’ve been dreaming much more frequently lately

I think it’s because with my sleeping meds, I sleep deeply

I’ve noticed there are specific settings that appear often in my dreams:

1. Schools:

Usually, they’re public schools, and most of the time, there’s something old and broken, with graffiti-covered walls. Sometimes, the entire school is old and falling apart. The places are usually really big, too.

2. Pools:

They’re always very large and deep, but it’s a good and refreshing feeling. They always appear in fun dreams (except for one time when it turned into a nightmare because I hurt my foot in the pool. The blood in the dream felt so real. it was scary)

3. Rich Houses:

Sometimes, I dream that I’m traveling and staying in a house that isn’t mine. Most of the time, they’re huge mansions owned by rich people. I never know who the real owner of the house is. Sometimes, simpler, cozier houses appear, too

4. Forests:

Forests or grassy environments

I don’t remember any dream involving them clearly, but they give me a bad feeling, so they’re probably part of my nightmares


I don’t know what all of this might mean.

My mind creates really strange things, especially when I’m tired



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16 DEC 2024




God is the only thing that brings me a little hope for humanity.

Human beings really are terrible creatures.



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15 DEC 2024




It's almost Christmas...

Time passes so quickly, and it scares me.

The years keep going by, and I feel like I threw away my entire teenage life in my room, just drawing and being depressed.

Now I’m doing kinda okay emotionally, but... I’m afraid of time. I’m afraid I won’t be able to do everything I want before I die. I’m afraid of growing old, of being an adult. I’m afraid of not knowing what my future will look like. Will I be a good professional in the arts field? Will I ever be able to have my own house and be completely independent? Will I ever fall in love, or am I completely immune to love?

I don’t know.

And not knowing is such an uncomfortable feeling.