HAUNTED-VERSE CREATING PROCESS

a long history of inspiration, stress and passion

ABOUT MY PROCESS CREATING THE HAUNTED-VERSE

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As someone on the autism spectrum, one of the most prominent things throughout my life has been the existence of hyperfixations. I develop several special interests every year, sometimes they disappear, sometimes they last, and there are those that have been with me since I can remember—two of which are writing and drawing.

I’ve always been a very quiet person, with extreme difficulties in relating to others, and very closed off. I was bullied for many years because of my autistic behavior (and also because of my appearance), and that made it even harder for me to connect with people.

As a child, I could never speak up when something was wrong with me; I didn’t know how to explain, I couldn’t express myself with words. My depression began to develop around the age of seven, and I didn’t tell my mother about the bullying or many of the things that were going through my head. And as for my father, I couldn’t even think of relying on him for anything (he’s always been a very toxic person, and nowadays, we hardly talk). Because of all these difficulties in verbalizing my feelings, I would draw.

Drawing became a second language for me—it was always much easier to draw than to speak, and that's how I managed to organize and understand what was going on in my mind. It’s something that calms and comforts me; it's something that makes me feel like myself and feel secure in being me.

I started writing at the age of eleven, and up until my current age (18 years old), I’ve written about four books (five if you count a poetry collection). I didn’t write with the intention of publishing, but purely for self-expression and as a hobby to occupy my mind during difficult moments. I don’t plan to publish these books; I wasn’t good enough back then, and I lacked a lot of maturity to properly address some sensitive themes in the stories. But maybe one day, I’ll recycle them, rewrite them, or turn them into something else.

Around 2020, my depression worsened significantly during the pandemic, developing into psychotic depression with constant dissociative and panic attacks. I was in the lowest place I had ever been, and looking back now, I realize it’s a miracle that I never tried anything against myself. After all, I always prioritized my mom and my sister—I simply couldn’t leave them like that.

For the first time in my life, I was so desperate that I managed to tell my mom what was happening and fully open up to her. She gave everything she had to help me (and I’m infinitely grateful for having such a loving and caring mother). Since then, I’ve been in psychiatric and therapeutic consultations, but none of the doctors seemed to understand what was wrong with me. I was wrongly diagnosed with borderline personality disorder at the time, and this horrible phase extended until 2022, which was when Sam emerged.

Probably during a crisis (I don’t remember clearly), I drew this boy with skin full of scars. The scars represented the pain, the marks of my traumas in life, the feeling of my depression being literally stuck to my skin, impossible to remove in any way. The nudity (obviously non-sexual) represented vulnerability, weakness, the sensation of being exposed in the cold. And the room in the drawing was exactly like mine at the time.

It was the first time I had really become attached to a drawing. Sam didn’t have a name or anything, but he stayed in my head for a long time. I started drawing him more often, creating various stories for him (none of them connected, it was something experimental), and he became my comfort OC. Without even realizing it, he had already taken over a large part of my personality and become very similar to me.

Meanwhile, a very important person during this whole story was my Portuguese teacher (I don’t see him anymore, and I miss him a lot). I probably shouldn’t mention his name, so let’s just call him “My teacher”. He was the first person to notice my potential. Reading my work from school activities, he saw the creativity I had and came to talk to me. I’ll never forget the conversations we had. I showed him several of my characters, drawings, and poems. He showed me books, writers, poets—it was incredible and magical for me. I felt like I was talking to someone who understood me and shared the same love for writing. Until one day, he turned to me and said, “Why don’t you create a comic?”

That kind of exploded in my brain. I could draw, I could write, so why not combine the two? That’s when I gave Sam the lead role, and with my teacher’s help, I gave him a story. Sam’s traumas are completely different from mine, but he remained a mini version of me in that universe. That’s why I sometimes joke that it’s like he’s my son.

Words cannot express the gratitude I have for my teacher’s help during that time. I realized and learned many things, and he made me notice mistakes that my past self would never have caught. This greatly improved my writing. My teacher was an extremely important person in my life, and I will never forget him. I feel like I’ll keep him in my heart for the rest of my life.

I spent the entire year of 2022 writing and developing the story of Haunted Eyes. With the help of my psychiatrist, psychologist (and MANY medications), my mental health began to improve. And all that occupied my mind 24/7 were my characters, who emerged as the story developed: first Erik, then Luna, and then Theo.

They’ve changed A LOT since then, and they will always hold a special place in my heart, just like my teacher. I have a deep attachment to my characters, almost as if they were real people. All of them (again, excluding the villains and jerk characters) carry a part of me. Some represent who I am now, who I used to be, some parts of my personality that I dislike, and some that I like a lot. For example, Theo represents the deepest phase of my depression, Luna represents my perfectionism, Erik represents the difficulty in explaining what’s wrong with me and my fear of being abandoned by my friends (now I have amazing friends who like me for who I am, and they inspired some of the characteristics of my characters as well), and Sam represents my personality and the way I react to past traumas. Of course, it goes much deeper than that, but that’s the simplest way to explain it.

In 2023, I changed psychiatrists and was finally diagnosed with autism and ADHD (borderline was ruled out). Understanding what had been wrong with me all this time allowed me to truly understand myself. I was able to comprehend my limitations and start my journey of self-discovery and self-love. My mental health has been improving a lot since then, always with ups and downs, but I remain confident that I will be able to become a normal, independent adult.

Shortly after that, Haunted Eyes was published on Webtoon for the first time, and as I continued developing the story, other characters and stories emerged, and the universe expanded in my mind, becoming the Haunted-verse!

I plan to create many more stories. I want this universe to be something big, something supernatural, personal, and creative. I have many plans for the future, and I intend never to stop pursuing my passion: creating.

The love and support from all of you also helps me a lot in this process, and I am very grateful for it. I hope you enjoyed this story (which is more like a biography), and take care, sending love to all of you!

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SOME IMAGES:

I have the entire Haunted Eyes story written in sketches like this. They're pretty rough, but what really matters is the lore lol.

theo first version